"Angie time to get up!" called my mom. "No, not today. I'll get up tomorrow," I mumbled going into turtle mode (me hiding under my covers hiding from the inevitably of getting out of bed) "It's the first day of school, you can't miss it," said my mom outside my door. "That's why I don't want to get up," I say my voice muffled from the covers. "You need to get up and you know it," said my mom. "Fine!" I said getting ready.
For breakfast, I grab some cereal and milk. I get my meds out and take them after I eat my breakfast. I leave for school way earlier than I have to, telling myself If I don't leave now then I'll be late. When I get to school I'm way early so I find my new locker and look for my homeroom. Mean while I'm being bombarded by thoughts like What if you have no friends in any of your classes, The homework is going to be impossible. If you trip or do anything stupid everyone will laugh at you and you'll be known as a klutz. What if you get called on in class and you don't know the answer? What if you stretch and the teacher thinks you have a question? Or what if they ask if you need help in front of the whole class? What if you do need help? And other thoughts coming into my head every step I take. What if I meet a girl who is really nice? What are you going to say? Will you say anything? I want to run away from them lock myself in a room alone. Then everyone starts flooding in and I panic. I get pushed around and elbowed, people yell in my ears giving me a headache. I lose all sense of direction and get dizzy. I start breathing hard and before I know it I'm having a panic attack. I can't breathe and I can barely stand. Everything starts spinning I feel light headed. I remember to breathe but I'm panting hard I can't calm my ragged breaths. I force myself to get my bearings and walk to my homeroom feeling exhausted. I sat down at the back and started to read my book so I could avoid social interaction. "Angie? Is Angie here?" asked the teacher. I raised my hand not looking up. I don't notice the buzz of chatter. Some one poked me and I jumped scowling at them. "Sorry, can you give this to Arable?" she said giving me a note folded so I couldn't read it. I did and kept reading. Soon it was time for first period. I walked through the halls recoiling at each touch. I look at the ground and walk trying to dodge every touch while walking relatively fast. I need to get to science class fast. I walk as fast as I can and get to class in the nick of time. "Hi, everyone! My name is Mrs. Sulivenie and I'm glad to have each and everyone one of you in my class," she said. I didn't look directly at her. She dives right into the lesson and I can't keep up. I can't write fast enough and If I try I can't read my hand writing plus I have a hard time seeing the board. "Any question?" Mrs. Sulivenie asked at the end of class. I want to raise my hand but no one else does so I keep my hand down. After school I go over my homework which takes several hours and me wanting to tear everything up in frustrasion. When I'm not it's 6:30. "How was school?" asked my mom when she sees me. "Eh,because because don'twant to tell her about how I didn't talk to anyone and how I already hate science and how hard my homework was and How I didn't ask for help and everything that went wrong. I can only think one thing:
You'll never be good enough no matter how hard you try it will never be enough
over and over again and I want to cry because I can't stop it, no matter how many pills I take to stop it.
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