Sixth Grade:
New school, Middle School. Meant to be an adventure, it was just torture, it was an elementary school but with more people who were bigger. I hated middle school. One day I was walking up the stair to go to science class. Alexandra was walking a little in front of me. "What do you have this period?" she asked looking at me. "Science, feeling" feeling happy that she had talked to me. I looked to my side I saw her friend and realized she had been talking to her. I was super embraced. The year just got worse. Once I brought an American Girl Doll book to school from the library and was reading it while I was waiting to go to lunch. This boy called Jack saw it and started teasing me. I didn't bring any more books like that, but I still secretly loved American Girl Doll books. I learned the art of existing that year and managed to almost master not showing emotion except for a little happiness and anger. The art of existing is hard to master if you like being in the spotlight. I didn't so it was easy just keep to yourself and don't draw attention to yourself. It was best in Gym. I hated Gym. The worst was group sports, everyone got so freaking mad when I did something I wasn't supposed to do or whatever, so I bearly did anything. I found it was rather easy to blend into the back round and I got so used to it I wouldn't pay attention in Gym I was always surprised when I got the ball or whatever, most of the time it was so my team could win. I found it super boring and extremely pointless was it to make people feel bad or to make people bring out their inner sports jerk? I didn't know and still don't. We had a talent show at the end of the year and I sang Lost Boy by Ruth B. I was really scared, but I did it anyway. I wasn't loud enough but I was still happy I did it. Another time that I don't think there was anything else interesting. But I felt like I was blending, even more, I found myself trying to lie to myself saying that I was fine when I wasn't. The only place I thought I could tell the truth about how I felt. I didn't have to hide anything online because no one knew who I was. I felt safe, I felt more alive in their more than I ever did offline. I couldn't share any of that with my friends, I was scared of what they would think. I never told anyone about it. Soon I was obsessed with the online world. I thought that it was good, but it wasn't. I lied offline even more and mostly so my parents wouldn't find out about me going online so much. They found out and when they did I was crushed. I started thinking about the online world more and I wished a lot that I could go back and stay forever. I wanted to be free of all my pain. I didn't understand that it wasn't possible to stop my pain. I tried to block it out. I blocked out my emotions around people, and when I did I tried to make me be strong and tough. On the inside, I was like a marshmallow. After a little while I didn't know if who I really was. I had hidden my true self, and couldn't find it. I tried to search for it, but ever time I got further away from it and I didn't know how to get the real me back. I wished for my one true friend who I could tell everything to even more, hoping that they could help me find the real me.
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