Steel Heart Chapter 2

I smile through every day, and every day it is fake. I don't remember the last time my smile was genuine. I fake it so much when I pretend to be happy it hurts. When I say I'm fine, I want to scream in agony. I'm NEVER fine, but no one knows that because they don't feel the same way. Sometimes I want to scream, to say I'm not fine to say why can't you see the pain in my eyes? Can't anyone see that my eyes are blank and lifeless? But they don't because they don't understand. I sometimes think that I've been in more pain than anyone around me. They don't understand what I've been through because they haven't been through it. Every day I numb my heart more and more, I wrap more layers of steel around it so I lock out the sadness and pain. But I lock in my anger so that I can hide the pain.  Every day I wonder if I'll crack, break down or go crazy. I've never told anyone about how I feel on the inside. I hate the kids in my school, who act like everything is fine, who don't know real pain. I want to tell them they need to snap out of it, ask them if they are human. Ask if I'm human. Every day I see people who have hurt me, it's mostly one person, but every popular girl in my school make my life horrible by existing. People say I had depression and anxiety I think I have low self-esteem too,, but it's not the real problem. The problem is no one understands. No one understands the pain, and they never will. Every day I want to cry but I don't the tears I want to shed. I lock them up and don't let them fall. So when something really sad happens to anyone I don't cry, just feel a little sad for a second then get over it. When I get to school I see several popular girls. It's easy to know who is popular, black leggings, some have laptops, and neckless that are gold, silver or sometimes bronze with a sideways heart. I want to scream ask why they are so happy and fine with this messed up world we live in? Why do they not see that this world is total hell? How do they not see it? I want to scream. Every time I see one of them smile and laugh like everything in this world is fine I want to tell them that nothing is alright. Ask if they're crazy for acting fine. I hate when people act like everything is ok because it's not and if they think it is they are crazy. Every day I feel the pain, getting stronger so I wrap more steal around my heart. Every day I want to cry, but I can't because my tears are locked away. I keep everything that can show my pain buried because I have to act fine if everyone is acting fine then how do they know when someone isn't fine? I don't know but I always say "I'm fine" when I'm not and everyone thinks I am fine, but I never am. They don't know it because I hide all my pain well, too well. I want to cry and scream all the time, and ask if it's me who messed up or everyone else because I don't know. I want to feel again, I want to feel normal, to be happy. REALLY happy, I don't want to fake I'm fine but I've been doing it so long I don't know how to stop. I remember on time when I moved I started crying during gym because I was afraid I had let my team down and when the teacher asked what was wrong I said I was homesick when I wasn't. And after that, the web of lies started forming, and now it's so thick that I can't break out, I've been weaving this web for years and it won't let me go. Ever since I've lied about so much. I always lie about how I feel, I say "fine" but what does fine really mean? The definition say that it means "pleasing or satisfactory" but to me, it means that nothing is fine that I'm dying on the inside and why can't you see it? Because that's what I mean when I say I'm fine because I'm dying from all the lies and pain. Sometimes I want to tell someone but I don't because I don't trust anyone anymore, not completely because I'm scared that they'll betray me and I'll get hurt even more so I never let anyone see the real me, not that I could find it anyway. Every day I ply a game called "When will I break?" because every day I don't know if I'll stay in one piece. Sometimes I wish I could break and just stop caring to stop feeling and let out all my sadness, but it's the thing that keeps me together so I can't do it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ1XuyDFfy4


Hey, everyone, I hope you like this new story, it won't be a long on I don't think but I think it's my best out of all the others so far... I hope this relates to you because I put a lot of thought into it. Tell me if you feel the same, I would appreciate it.
-Star🌠